If you’d asked me twenty years ago whether I would be helping couples heal their money woes, I would have laughed! At that time, I was in a loving yet co-dependent marriage to a fiscally mismatched partner. In many important ways, we were a great pair. Yet when it came to money, we may as well have been living on different planets.
Many therapists often face money issues when working with couples. Money-related conflicts are cited as one of the leading causes of divorce. It's understandable considering money and stress go hand in hand. Financial pressures do not discriminate. They cut across socioeconomic lines, degrees of education, age and gender. Money plays a profound and complicated role in our lives and when emotions get triggered, conversations between partners can often be explosive.
So why does money create such intense struggle? Arguments about money are often not about money. My work as the Moolah Doula is to help couples navigate overextended budgets, mismatched financial priorities and the inability to compromise on spending. The goal is to help find balance between the freedom money provides and the security it represents.
The most powerful force contributing to money stress is our personal money story crafted from our childhood experiences. I was raised with the belief that work was done to pay the bills and if you balanced your checkbook and saved a little each month, you were successful. My husband was raised to believe money was meant to be enjoyed and spent as soon as it rolled in. Looking back, it's clear to see how our distinctly different money stories led to fear and miscommunication.
Money is loaded with power and meaning that can quickly turn an innocent question such as “Did you pick up milk?” into a heated and hurtful debate. Understanding each partner’s underlying feelings about money is the first step towards finding peaceful common ground. Money represents different things to each person. For some, it stands for freedom or safety. For others, it symbolizes power or self-worth. Healing can only begin when couples understand their spouse’s underlying money story.
Once this has been achieved, couples move into sharing their individual life dreams. This gives a relationship the opportunity to have a profound and deeper sense of shared meaning. Planning to make these dreams a reality based on strong financial principles fosters trust in shared goals. Collaboration on short, medium and long-term goals creates a grounded blueprint for peaceful discussions. By respecting each other’s deepest and most personal dreams, partners come back to the underlying reasons why they chose to come together in the first place.
By Joanna Leffeld aka The Moolah Doula